Iron Jack Lager - Brace yourself for high tide

So the in-laws have come a visiting and last night we were off to the local tavern for some good chat, a big bowl of ribs and wings and a schooner of water that for some reason came out of a beer tap..

To quote the great Busta Rhymes: 'What in the fat fishes of a phenomenal Fahrvergnügen
F**k is going on?' 
This is a beer of two cities. One under water and other completely devoid of anything remarkable at all. Take a sip, get water. Take another sip, get some tiny attempt at grassy flavor attempting an escape. Process repeats until the glass is empty

I'm surprised there's nothing on the Iron Jack tap that mentions anything about being a mid strength. Armed with that information I probably wouldn't have been surprised with it's lack of flavor and consistency. But still, there was more happening on the cctv screen to the kids playground than there was in this brew..
With a name like Iron Jack I was expecting something strong, something tough, something that would and could bench press tractors. However..

(Still, let's put it through the ringer anyway)

What am I smelling here?: Nothing

Initial thoughts: God it's watery and there's not much going on here. At least it looks like a beer. At least the ribs and wings were good.

Overall: It's not nasty nor undrinkable, there's just an incredible level of nothing at all happening here whatsoever. It's like beer for anyone who wants to try a beer but who secretly loves water more.

1.25 our of 5 pub meals with the in laws.